Okay, here I sit at nearly one a.m. on September 27th, 2009....my (gulp) fortieth birthday.
Just TYPING that word nearly made me cry!
FORTY years? You have to be kidding me. HOW can I be forty years old? I feel like I am just a kid. I don't feel like I know anything! Surely my whole life is still ahead of me, an unwritten page....
Wow. I am moving into middle age. I just can't believe it!
I have never been one to balk at birthdays. Never! In fact, the whole family jokes about how I have always done the countdown until "my" date arrives on the calendar...you know the type---when the clock on the microwave reads 9:27, I announce to everyone that my birthdate is on the clock. I then conveniently add "Let me take this opportunity to remind you that you have only 55 shopping days remaining until my next birthday!"
NOT this year. For some reason, I have faced this dawning of my new decade with a feeling of ambivalence, sometimes disbelief, and at times even panic! Seriously.
I feel I have finally pinpointed a bit of the reason for my dread of this new age I am forced to become: I don't feel like I have done or become all that I should have by the age of forty! I feel like I have dropped the ball somewhere, or I haven't finished my assignment on time...something!
I am realizing, through this mild "mid-life crisis" of sorts, that it doesn't matter. Who I am today, and what I have become, and what is left undone is NO surprise to Him who made me and guarded over my birth, forty years ago today (which was a miracle in itself in 1969, at 3 months premature---but that's another post!). He sees my heart, He wrote my days before I breathed my first breath, He sees the end from the beginning.....He knows me. HE knows ME! He KNOWS me.
For that, I am thankful. For everything I am not yet, HE IS. His Grace is more than enough to take me there.
I think I will sit my forty-year-old bones down and REST in that a spell! ;)
(Thanks, too, to my many dear friends for all the birthday wishes!! I am so grateful that I have met each of you on my journey!).